But now my anxiety had reached an all-time high! I was a prisoner in my own skin and wanted to just jump out of it!!!!!!!! I was internally bound! Inner turmoil ruled my life. Only people who live this way can understand the kind of torment I was going through. For years my hands had a little shake to them, but now they were shaking so bad it was embarrassing. I had become addicted to pain pills and life was so hard to bear that I would wake up and start pounding alcohol just to knock myself out again. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I literally felt like I was going crazy!
This became so real to me! I knew that was the answer to all my problems. All I have to do is seek him and he will take care of all these things for me. The Bible says,”And you will seek me and find me when seek for me with all of your heart. Jeremiah 29:13.” So, I quit the drinking and the pills cold turkey and re-dedicated my life to the Lord. I sought after him with everything I had. During this period my anxiety and insomnia got even worse. Days would go by without any sleep, but I kept on searching for the Lord. The mental anguish I experienced especially at night was pure torment and I started hearing things that weren’t even there, but I kept leaning on my savor Jesus!
I went to the revival that Friday night with the sole purpose to get free from the chains that bound me. I had a call on my life to preach as a young man but had been running from it for years. I told the Lord if he would set me free I would preach his word. As I sat and listened to the message I quickly realized that this message was for me that night! The evangelist Nathan Morris and Pastor John Kilpatrick kept saying, "I don't know who I'm talking to, but they come to you at night, they torment you at night! You live in a horrible state of fear! You have extreme anxiety! You can't sleep! And you are being held in bondage due to your sins and the sins to your addictions! They kept saying these things over and over again!That was me all right! I didn’t realize it, but while I would lay wide awake in total misery, I was actually being mentally tormented by demons!! I lived in a horrible state of fear and torment! I was in extreme bondage because of my sins and sins of my addictions!!!!! They also said, " I don't know who I'm talking to tonight, but you were also verbally abused as a child, you were talked down to as if you were worthless and this has affected you throughout your life" This message was so meant for me! I was indeed an attendant at my own divine appointment. It was amazing!